Остановись мгновенье. Нет, ты не прекрасно, но тебя не хватает. Мне можен времяворот, мне нужна волшебная палочка, мне нужно чудо. Но чудес не бывает. Мерлин, ну почему я такая дура, а? Почему я такая бестолочь? У меня горят уши и щеки, потому что я сама себя ругаю. Мне никто не может помочь, только я сама. Сама все испортила, сама все и исправлять должна... Но кто говорил, что я умная.. оh dear gods.. I am so stupid it's almost palpable. No, don't say anything, I know it myself. Some things the person needs to live through and feel all the pain on their own back. So that she would never make the same mistake again. Gods... why miracles are not possible. I would do anything for that. I am so afraid of reproach in their eyes. I am so afraid of being unworthy, of mistrust. They don't need such a failture. I am afraid to loose their love and trust. Gods... God, please forgive me my stupidity and laziness, forgive me my mind full of useless things, my soul that goes down with each day. I am not worthy of all these good things others say to me. They would never guess how childish I am, how unreliable I can be. I am afraid to look in their eyes. I am afraid of lying, I am afraid of saying truth. Miracles don't happen in my life. I was stupid enough to go into illusions, I still live there, I still hold onto that. But real life deserves some attention as well. And no one knows how truly stupid I've been. Why I am saying all that? I am afraid that He will not listen anymore. *shrudders* I am afraid that I am lost. For Him, for them. I don't want to think about it, I have to think about it. I have to do it and still I am paralized with stupid fear of actually working and not pretending. I know I can not ask for any help as no one can do it for me. tomorrow I will have to face it. and... and... Why do I still believe in miracles? I am a baby that suddenly realized she has to answer for her mistakes. I am a baby that suddenly realized she is not a baby anymore. I want back, to cozyness of soft pillows and gentle care. I want an easy way out. There are no miracles. I knew it, now I collided with it. Oh, God... What have I done?